I am trying to document my journey as i proceed and try to get calmer and more peaceful.I want to jot down things i do,things that work,things that dont.I am starting or i have started on the premise that this is a journey for one to undertake oneself.The other important pillar of the base of my quest is that it is an inward journey. It is not a new thought process but a something i have given a lot of my mind to and the idea makes sense to me. Lot of us want a more peaceful existence. Peace with oneself.We all work towards the goals society tell us makes us happy. Money,family, house,vacations,,what not. we go there we get them at varying degress of success. If we dont get them we spend our time  trying to get  all that is defined as worldly success. If we do get success we keep wondering what next. If i have what my neighbour has i will be happier. if i get that promotion i would be blissful.we keep tricking ourselves into believing so.the mind tricks us.When i had a decent job,a job which allowed me to live on my own in one of India's metros i believed i still am not unhappy because my personal life is not good.i dont have my soulmate with me.That pining and longing for her made sure i carried in my heart a lingering  sense of dissatisfaction which affected everything i did or my perception of everything i had.I found a way to poison my present with what i wanted my present to be like,

Now when i think and try to jot down  my reasons of unhappiness i know it isnt the mystery of the missing soulmate.if i indeed had the person i wanted i would have found ways to be unhappy even then.I would have found something to dislike in the city,in my job ,in my siblings and when everything failed i would be blaming the cosmic powers for taking my Dad away from me when i did not know how to handle such a loss. The point being i carry within me my seeds of discontent. Any external change in my environment doesnt really add value or change my internal circumstances too much. There is only one way to stem the internal rot and that is to go into a deeply inward journey.
So i need to go inside of me and i need to go on my own.and why on my own?

Well Society has set up this institutions that should help someone like me.find solace and lasting peace. There are the grand old religions with their traditions and centuries old infrastructure beckoning me and promising me nirvana if i just hang in long enough. My religion is smart. it says one lifetime may not be enough. so hang in there longer. So all these systems should work for poor souls like me. But what happens to me when i try to come close to the religious structures and systems? I see a festival type atmosphere i see people enjoying themselves like a family outing when i go to temples.Its not too dissimilar from the scenes in a multiplex.when i sit down with a priest trying to conform to a ritual i am supposed to do for my bereaved parents,he stops in between and reminds me of the gold my mom had given to him during a similar such ritual she had to undertake.Is this pious? Is this spiritual? . So the system society has set up from me doesnt work for me. Maybe its the fault of the limited capabilities of my mind in understanding them but even then the truth should not be difficult to grasp.it must be simple to understand.yes its a onerous task to undertake-living a truthful life or set out in the search of the truth,but what is truth should be simple to understand. if it is not simple it is not the truth. it is not THE way.So here i am setting out on this journey on my own,inside of me.