Quiet me,another me?

"I am not the one experiencing the anxiety". I said that to myself while i was just doing some random thinking about business and the future. I startled myself with that quiet sentence said by the inner me.I stopped and took stock of what those words means. I felt there is this body lying down which is going through the rigmarole of a thought process and analyzing and debating things and letting the mind foster anxiety But i am observing him. I can visualise or i did visualise without trying to ,this body-Raghu lying in bed and thinking about things and this other me or this other being which i could not give a shape or form to apart from that it was in darkness and it was observing this body.

The immediate consequence was that the level of anxiety went down as i told myself this real me is not facing any of this nor is it affected by it.This momentary detachment which appeared physical also led to the mental detachment from the body-raghu and his shenanigans. i told myself i need not be affected by it as what is the real me is not facing this situation.Well maybe not even the realisation of it being the real me. Just the realisation that there is something there which is apart from the body and seemed untouched with whatever was happening with the body.

Did it lead to any major upheaval to my life? Has it bought about any radical change in my being? Not that i can tell as of yet. its the same me going through the rigors of my daily routine. But i will try to think of this other me when i am getting really anxious,to see if it calms me down. Hell,even if its just a structure of my mental process ,a way, a mechanism to deal with worry,it isnt half bad. Ofcourse if it is something real that i stumbled upon i suspect i wont be able to touch it just by thinking about it.We shall see

it could just be that. A way to stop worrying about things. Something my mind came up with.But i was surprised at how alert i was and how clear the thing appeared to be-the separation, the jumble of name skin clothes that was lying and something which was observing that jumble,and it was not a 3rd force. it was me,or a part of me.

what was unique about that day? well i had worked a lot in my terrace garden and was felling awfully tired  So physically i had lot of aches and pains.rest of it was regular i guess.But i remember the alertness and the absolute quietness that i felt. 

Came across this phrase a few days back "showing up for one's own life". So simple yet so profound. Or isnt all profound things supposed to be simple. So lets think about the context of what it was said in and see where it takes us.

We are busy with so much which we are told is important for our lives. We take up activities to better ourselves,to earn more to look better. We constantly are doing something ,or reading about doing or thinking about doing something which is meant to fill our time and in some way essential for our existence in one way or the other. We show up for these activities.we show up for our near and dear ones  when they need us. thats the intention at least. Thats what the social contract expects out of us. All of this is not without benefit for the individual. There is something to be gained from these interactions and all this apparent working on ourselves to fit better in this world.

But after a point this is all outwardly activity,things meant for the world. yes at cursory glance things meant for us,but for us to fit into the world. so in short meant for the world,not for us. Where is the "self" in all this self development and self glorification in trying to be a cog in this vast vibrating universe.

s i get older i realise the journey has to be within not without what is inside of us. So anything "self" in all this self development and self glorification in trying to be a cog in this vast vibrating worthwhile to be found is within us. How do we know that? Well for the pleasures of the world,they are momentary.nothing lasts,nothing seems fulfilling. We are back at looking at new experiences or trying to hold on to older pleasurable experiences but everything is just for a short duration. That is the nature of the universe. Everything is fleeting.That is one thing i am sure of now.

So if everything is fleeting  how can anything out there be fulfilling? And what about the bigger questions like who am i? why i am here? where am i going?Where are the answers to these.? The only journey that can lead to some semblance of answers in the inner one. Being completely still and being aware. In trying to be the sakshi-the witness consciousness. No ,not because the books say so, or the sages. it is what i am finding with my own experiences,me putting to test what i may have read or heard but only accepting if it rings true after my tests on myself.

So to show up for one's own life means finding the inner witness.to get into that mode of peace and tranquility. Now the challenge is to how do we stay in that state once we get a glimpse of it. In trying to hold on to something of obvious beauty dont i start to grasp at it and lose it,the very problem with the world becomes the problem with the inner search. more work is needed but the glimpse is something which makes me want to find out more.we do owe it to ourselves to try and find those answers. so lets show up for our own lives.